by Molly Ringle
December 28, 2006
AUDIENCE: Keira Knightley soaked in the very first scene--all right! Check that off the Kink/Perv/Fetish list.
LORD CUTLER BECKETT: Everybody's under arrest for helping Jack Sparrow escape! Haha!
AUDIENCE: And Orlando Bloom in handcuffs in the very first scene too. Nice! Check.
JACK SPARROW busts out of a coffin and uses a dead guy's bone to row back to the Black Pearl, apparently having learned creative use of skeletons from watching Indiana Jones movies (no relation to Davy).
GIBBS: When you going to get us some booty?
JACK: When you find me this. [unrolls drawing]
GIBBS: This is a generic drawing of possibly any key in the entire world.
JACK: Yep! Get to work.
LORD CUTLER BECKETT: Go out and bargain with Jack for us.
LORD CUTLER BECKETT: Or you and Elizabeth will die.
WILL: I'm on it.
JACK: Bootstrap Bill? But you're dead!
BOOTSTRAP BILL: You ought to talk.
JACK: Wow, you totally have a starfish on your face.
BOOTSTRAP BILL: Anyway, you *will* be dead soon, really truly this time.
JACK: And you have mussel shells on your neck.
BOOTSTRAP BILL: Davy Jones and the Kraken are after you, Jack.
JACK: Barnacles too. And, oh yuck, do not tell me you just ate a hermit crab.
BOOTSTRAP BILL: Are you even listening? Never mind. Bye.
JACK gets case of stigmata, because Jack Sparrow is really a Christ figure if you think about it.
JACK: Eeek! To shore, me hearties!
SOME SHIP and her CREW pick up JACK's hat and get smashed by the KRAKEN within thirty seconds. (Note: The KRAKEN is not always going to display such promptness in finding its prey, conveniently for our HEROES.)
AUDIENCE: [pulling out Action Movie checklist] Killing of innocent seafarers to display monster capabilities--check.
WILL: Mmm, nothing like seeing you behind rusty bars to get me going.
ELIZABETH: [licks bars] Rawrrr. Hurry back, sailor.
GOVERNOR SWANN: Out, before I invent a way to castrate someone with a candle sconce.
AUDIENCE: Elizabeth hot, bothered, and imprisoned--check.
(Time-share properties still available for coming season! Hurry and reserve a spot!)
CANNIBALS tie up WILL and bring him to JACK, who is wearing makeup borrowed from an AEROSMITH video.
CANNIBALS: Pitty boy-boy licky-licky!
JACK: Nah, teensy-weensy, cagey-cagey.
WILL: Teensy? You just said that to save me, right? I'm still your big hunky cabin boy, right, Jack? Jack?...
GOVERNOR SWANN: I'm smuggling you to England.
ELIZABETH: Well, I--
GOVERNOR SWANN: Never mind; no, I'm not.
LORD CUTLER BECKETT: Ah, Elizabeth with a gun. Fetish checklisters, paying attention?
ELIZABETH: I find it very convenient that these Letters of Marque I'm stealing from you don't actually have the pardoned person's name on them.
SCREENWRITERS: Don't we all.
CANNIBALS: Roasty chiefy-chiefy!
JACK: Sucky-sucky to be me.
AUDIENCE: Jack wearing herbs and spices...check. Man, there's a fetish for everything!
WILL: This is the sturdiest and most symmetrical sphere made of human bones I've ever encountered.
GIBBS: Yeah. Too bad about the rest of the crew. Disney's sure got it in for innocent people these days.
WILL: Uh-oh, cannibals coming! Time to test just how sturdy the cages are.
AUDIENCE: [switching to Action Checklist] Hamster-ball action trick. Gosh, didn't think we'd work that one in.
[And over the course of the next half hour or so...]
AUDIENCE: Fruit used as weapon, check...improvised pole-vaulting, check...falling into a canyon and surviving, check...and we're all back on the Black Pearl, sans cannibals. There, that didn't take so long to describe, did it? Took long enough to *watch*.
WILL: I need the compass, or Elizabeth and I get hanged.
JACK: So? Just look at me: being dead doesn't stop you from being sexy.
WILL: Compass! Now!
JACK: Okay, but...find this generic key thing for me first. You don't know anything about Davy Jones, do you?
WILL: Uh...he was in the Monkees...?
JACK: Exactly. Perfect.
SOME RANDOM SHIP
SHIPMATE 1: Thar be a woman aboard!
SHIPMATE 2: Why say ye so? Just 'acause ye found a dress?
SHIPMATE 1: I also found Tampax under me locker.
SHIPMATES run about wildly looking for a girl, when ELIZABETH is completely obviously not a boy and is standing right in the middle of them, but hey, she's wearing *pants*! And a *hat*! An ingenious disguise!
CABIN FULL OF CANDLES
TIA DALMA: I'd be pretty if it weren't for my teeth.
JACK: Indeed. What's inside the chest belonging to this generic key?
TIA DALMA: Not going to tell you. Oh all right, I will. The heart of Davy Jones. Dere, all questions answered. Here, take a jar of dirt wid you.
WILL: Hi! I'm here to settle Jack Sparrow's debt!
DAVY JONES: How amusing. Think I'll use my teleportation skills.
DAVY JONES: ...And here I am.
JACK: Ah. I see you have turned into a squid from your years underwater.
DAVY JONES: Got any problem with trading 100 other people for your own life?
JACK: None at all. Disney's given us a free pass on killing the innocent.
GIBBS: Sign up here to be a redshirt! Redshirt signup, right here!
NORRINGTON: Hi. 'S me. Here to join up. [hiccup] Or kill Jack. Whichever.
AUDIENCE: Old-fashioned barfight. Check.
BOOTSTRAP BILL: Son!
DAVY JONES: Turner!
BOOTSTRAP BILL: Davy!
DR. FRANK N. FURTER: Rocky!
ELIZABETH: Take me.
JACK: Lizzie! Happy to oblige.
NORRINGTON: I'm apparently coming too, despite having tried to kill you.
JACK: No problem. Lizzie darling, fondle my compass a moment, please. Think about Will if you like; I don't mind.
ELIZABETH takes hold of the compass.
JACK: Mmm. Mmmm! Oh YES! Ahh... Me girl, you give good heading.
AUDIENCE: Incidentally, second "check" for naked-Elizabeth remarks...and also a "check" for Norrington/goat. Huh. How about that.
WILL, BOOTSTRAP BILL, and DAVY JONES sit down to a dice game.
BOOTSTRAP BILL: Three sixes.
WILL: Four fives.
DAVY JONES: Eight twos.
BOOTSTRAP BILL: Seven twelves.
WILL: Thirteen eighteens.
DAVY JONES: Yahtzee! You lose!
WILL: Except I glimpsed the magic key, so I actually won.
AUDIENCE: If you say so. My head is reeling. This was a mindless adventure movie and suddenly I had to keep track of fifteen dice with changing rules.
DAVY JONES snoozes during his Phantom of the Opera dressup time. WILL snatches the key and prepares to jump ship.
BOOTSTRAP BILL: Good luck, son.
WILL: Thanks, Dad. I'd hug you before leaving, but...ew.
JACK: For those of you keeping track, I now have the Letters of Marque.
AUDIENCE: Oh. We hardly noticed. We were wondering if they actually intended this Jack/Elizabeth romance subplot thing. It's kind of hot.
SAME RANDOM SHIP AS BEFORE
SHIPMATES: Hi. Say, is that a Kraken behind you?
WILL: Oops, sorry.
WILL jumps ship again. KRAKEN destroys random ship and all its SHIPMATES.
WILL: Hm, too bad about them. Well, can't let my conscience get me down! Off to find Jack!
Meanwhile, ELIZABETH's wedding dress sinks into the sea. AUDIENCE muses about symbolism and that Jack/Elizabeth thing again.
ELIZABETH: [writhing in the sun] I cannot *believe* I'm still a virgin.
JACK swoons and catches a phallic cannon for support.
JACK: [cough] I could remedy that.
ELIZABETH: Why, I'm shocked. Without even offering to brush your teeth first?
JACK: [gets closer] You know you're curious.
ELIZABETH: [gets even closer; practically licks his beard] You know you are too. But my *honor*...
JACK: Yes, your honor...Would you let me taste your honor?
Stigmata reappear and spoil the moment. JACK yips and skitters away.
AUDIENCE: Huh. So that's a big ol' "check" for the Jack/Elizabeth foreplay. Bet she ends up with him by the end of the film. At least it'll be interesting to see how they decide it.
SCREENWRITERS: Er...yes, well.
AUDIENCE: Good Lordy, that is a beautiful beach!
JACK: What's the compass of ultimate desire doing now, darling?
ELIZABETH: Pointing at *you*. I mean, uh, nothing.
JACK gets a suspicion and starts digging in the beautiful white sand directly under ELIZABETH's shapely bum. He finds a chest.
JACK: Well, that was easy.
WILL: Hi guys!
ELIZABETH: Will! Your teeth are so clean!
ELIZABETH runs over and snogs WILL.
WILL: I have your key, Jack. And thanks for almost getting me killed.
ELIZABETH: Jack, you didn't! You--you--pirate!
NORRINGTON: While you're arguing, I think I'll take the chest.
JACK: Nuh-uh. Mine.
WILL: Nuh-uh. Mine.
They all fight, along with some fish-creatures from the Flying Dutchman; they fight all over the pretty, pretty beach; and also on top of a big water wheel that comes loose and rolls for five miles through a jungle before tipping over.
AUDIENCE: Man, I cannot get over how gorgeous that beach is.
JACK opens the chest when he gets a moment, and finds that the heart of Davy Jones is an actual, anatomical, live, beating heart, rather than some interesting magical representation thereof, like we all kind of hoped for.
JACK: Neat. I think I'll shove it into the jar of dirt.
NORRINGTON: I'm meddling with the jar of dirt while Jack is fighting off the last of the baddies. Audience, did you notice?
AUDIENCE: That beach, that *amazing* beach. Dude, I can practically feel the waves splashing my ankles, the soft sand between my toes...
The Flying Dutchman surfaces nearby.
GIBBS: Oh, crap.
JACK: No, it's okay! Haha! Look!
JACK pours out the dirt, which is merely dirt.
JACK: Oh, crap. Um...fight!
KRAKEN wreaks all kinds of havoc. AUDIENCE is kept very busy with their action checklist. JACK escapes but then comes back. While the CREW abandons ship into the lifeboats, ELIZABETH shoves JACK up against the mast and snogs him rotten. WILL catches a glimpse and looks like he got kicked in the crotch, as you'd expect.
FEMALE AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Ahem. Miss Knightley. By snogging both Orlando Bloom and Johnny Depp in a single movie, you are officially in violation of the Rules of Fairness in the Universe. I challenge you to a game of complicated Yahtzee, in which, should you lose, you must hand over your man-snogging rights to the rest of us.
ELIZABETH, however, has shackled JACK to the boat, so maybe she wasn't *only* after his booty.
JACK: Baby, that was worth dying for. [Though his actual simple line, "Pirate," is much better.]
ELIZABETH jumps into the lifeboat with WILL, who is sulking big time. The KRAKEN takes JACK to the bottom of the sea. The AUDIENCE does not quite buy that JACK is gone for good, though. I mean, duh.
TIA DALMA'S CABIN
TIA DALMA: Quit sulking, you all. It not be so hard to bring Jack back from de dead.
GEOFFREY RUSH, who evidently has a day off: Arr! Let's go, mateys!
WILL, ELIZABETH, CREW: Yay! We *heart* Barbossa!
Oh yeah, and NORRINGTON brings the heart and the Letters of Marque to the East India Trading Company; and DAVY JONES is really mad that the chest was empty; and there's some mysterious guy lurking around; and everything's a little confusing; but apparently the SCREENWRITERS are so confident about there being a third movie that they didn't see any need to tie things up. Consequently, AUDIENCE flings fifteen dice and seven kinds of tropical fruit at SCREENWRITERS.