by Molly Ringle, with all proper credits and apologies to J.K. Rowling, who likely has no idea I'm alive.
November 16, 2011
CHAPTER ONE: THE DURSLEYS' SWINGIN' PAD
Midnight. HARRY is under his covers with a flashlight, reading about witches who enjoyed tickling themselves with flames. Sounds weird out of context, huh?
Three owls come sailing in through the window and thump onto his bed.
HARRY: Cool, mail!
RON: (*via letter*) Check it out, we won money! So we're in Egypt. Here's a Sneakoscope, to let you know when untrustworthy people are near. Happy birthday!
READERS: The Dursleys are near. Why isn't it spinning and lighting up?
HERMIONE: (*via letter*) Hey, big boy. I took a moment from writing ridiculously long essays to send you this. Take good care of that thing for me. *wink*
HARRY: Uh...(*unwraps gift*) Oh! Broomstick maintenance kit. Nice.
Last package is a snarling MONSTER BOOK that snaps and growls and hides under the bed.
HAGRID: (*via letter*) Happy birthday, Harry! Thought you might need this. Won't say no more here. "Shifty glance around." Wait, that's my stage direction. See you soon!
HARRY: Aw, they love me! I'm so happy.
READERS: Happy?? Monster Book! Growling! Under the bed!
CHAPTER TWO: AGAIN WITH THE DURSLEYS
TV NEWS GUY: ...deranged prisoner Black has escaped, very dangerous...
UNCLE VERNON: Look at his hair. You can tell he's a nut case.
READERS: He kind of has a point. The wizarding world has a serious lack of good hair.
UNCLE VERNON: (*to HARRY*) Aunt Marge is coming to visit, you scum. Behave.
HARRY: Someone I hate even more than you guys? Thanks. You shouldn't have.
UNCLE VERNON: Be nice or I won't sign your Pig-mead consent form thingy.
AUNT MARGE arrives and spends the week swilling drinks, gobbling food, and slandering HARRY's side of the family.
MARGE: Harry, you're uglier than the puppies I drown in the rain barrel.
HARRY: (*to self*) Don't react.
MARGE: And your dad smelled funny.
HARRY: (*to self*) Don't react.
MARGE: And your mom was a tart.
HARRY: (*out loud*) OMFG blow up!!
MARGE swells up like a hot-air balloon and rises to the ceiling.
While the DURSLEYS have a conniption fit, HARRY packs his stuff and hightails it out of the house.
READERS: Sorry, I zoned out for a second there. Was daydreaming about blowing up my racist great-uncle Moe next Thanksgiving. Where are we?
CHAPTER THREE: THE MEAN STREETS OF LITTLE WHINGING
While looking around the dark street and wondering where the hell to go now, HARRY thinks he spots a huge-ass black dog lurking and watching him.
HARRY: Couldn't be. Canines
of unusual size? I don't think they exist.
Next thing he knows, the Knight Bus bangs itself into the scene.
STAN SHUNPIKE: 'Owdy, govnuh! You can tell I'm lower-class by 'ow she writes me dialect! Climb aboard.
HARRY does so, and discovers that with the Knight Bus, the magical world once again has forgotten to make things *not* nauseating. As it careens all over Britain in the space-bending and dangerous manner of the TARDIS having serious engine trouble, STAN mentions a thing or two to HARRY.
STAN: That there Sirius Black was a big supporter of You-Know-Oo, and murdered thirteen Muggles just fer laughs. No idea how 'ee got out of Azkaban, but I'd 'ate to be some famous anti-You-Know-Oo person right now, like little 'Arry Potter or somefin. Anyhoo, kid, 'ere's your stop!
HARRY hops off in Diagon Alley.
FUDGE: Hello, Harry Potter.
HARRY: Please don't expel me! Don't send me to Azkaban! I'm sorry I blew up Aunt Marge.
FUDGE: Oh, haha, no harm done. We all blow up our aunts sometimes. No, we're giving you a private room at the Leaky Cauldron. And STAY PUT for the love of Pete. Goodnight. (*He leaves.*)
HARRY: I suppose that's worrying. Oh, well. Do they have free cable porn?
CHAPTER FOUR: DIAGON ALLEY
HARRY: (*drooling over the Firebolt in a shop window*) Ohhh I want that broom with serious prepubescent lust.
HERMIONE and RON: Hi, Harry! Look how we've neglected to use sunblock over the summer. Let's go into the pet shop.
PROPRIETOR: (*peering at SCABBERS, who you will recall is RON's pet*) That's one pathetic and ancient rat, bud.
RON: Be nice. He's jet-lagged.
CROOKSHANKS: Hissss! Meow! Claw!
HERMIONE: Gorgeous cat! I'm buying him.
RON: But he tried to eat Scabbers! And me!
HERMIONE: Oh, grow a pair, Ron.
READERS: And Rowling bravely enters the "cat people versus other people" territory. Wise that she didn't pit them against dog people, or we might have all stopped what we were doing and sought out message boards on which to flame each other.
RAT PEOPLE: Nonetheless, I am DEEPLY offended.
HARRY joins THE WEASLEYS back in the Leaky Cauldron, where PERCY gets lauded as being named Head Boy (no snickering, now), and where HARRY later pauses outside MR. and MRS. WEASLEY's door and overhears some stuff:
MR. WEASLEY: Darling, before you put on the sexy nurse costume, let's decide about Harry.
MRS. WEASLEY: You mean should we tell him Sirius Black is stalking him and trying to kill him? No, dear, I doubt that would help him sleep at night.
MR. WEASLEY: Oh, come on, boys like a bit of adventure. Speaking of which...rawrrr...
MRS. WEASLEY giggles, and HARRY returns to his room, pondering the likelihood of getting murdered by a crazy man this term. Meanwhile, FRED and GEORGE have supposedly hexed PERCY's badge so it says "Bighead Boy," but surely they came up with something dirtier and ROWLING just opted not to tell us.
CHAPTER FIVE: PLATFORM NINE-AND-THREE-QUARTERS
MR. WEASLEY: So, Harry, I feel I ought to tell you...
HARRY: Sirius Black's out to kill me? Yeah, I heard you last night.
MR. WEASLEY: Uh...how much did you hear? Never mind. Have a nice trip!
On the Hogwarts Express, HARRY, RON, and HERMIONE slip into a compartment with a sleeping, shabby-looking guy.
RON: Ugh, come on, we don't have to share with a homeless dude.
HERMIONE: According to his luggage, he's a professor.
HARRY: Fashion disasters of the wizarding world strike again.
HERMIONE: His suitcase says "R.J. Lupin," and I'm guessing he teaches Defense Against the Dark Arts, though I don't know for sure, since the school doesn't send out a newsletter or anything, which come to think of it they really should.
HARRY: So, listen, seems Sirius Black is trying to kill me and I'm not supposed to leave the castle grounds.
HERMIONE: Dang! Does that mean you can't come to Hogsmeade with us?
RON: OMG that would suck hard core.
The train gets plunged suddenly into darkness.
HERMIONE: Oi! Ron! Hands to yourself.
RON: Sorry. Was looking for my, er, rat.
HERMIONE: In my shirt?
Just then, what seems to be a RINGWRAITH, or possibly the GHOST OF CHRISTMAS FUTURE, or even the GRIM REAPER, but is in fact a DEMENTOR, creepily slides open the compartment door and stands there coldly attempting to suck people's souls away. After a moment of feeling the worst he's ever felt in his life, HARRY blacks out.
LUPIN: (a minute later) Wakey wakey. Hi. Eat some chocolate.
HARRY: Wow. Did not like
that. What happened?
HERMIONE: The dementor looked at us, and you had some kind of fit, and Lupin told it, "None of us has Sirius Black under our robes..."
REMUS/SIRIUS SHIPPERS: Alas. Maybe next time.
HERMIONE: ...And he shot something at it from his wand. But none of us went all girly-fainty except you, if that's what you're wondering.
DRACO: (*busting in, beaming*) Really, Potter? You FAINTED? Awesome. Need me to catch you next time, you poor delicate flower?
DRACO/HARRY SHIPPERS: Yes, please.
They reach Hogwarts and go in for the welcome feast.
DUMBLEDORE: Hello, all. You'll notice we have dementors roaming the school this year, in case Sirius Black tries to break in. Do be aware they can rob you of your will to live within seconds, so stay on your toes. Now, a warm welcome to Professor Lupin in Defense Against the Dark Arts...
DUMBLEDORE: ...and Professor Hagrid in Care of Magical Creatures!
GRYFFINDOR TABLE: Yay! We're overjoyed even though we, and everyone else, ought to feel serious foreboding given Hagrid's history with mishandling dangerous animals.
CHAPTER SIX: GREAT HALL
RON: Er, Hermione, how come you've got like ten classes on your schedule?
HERMIONE: Because. Pass the marmalade.
They go up to Divination class. HERMIONE snorts at the scarves, incense burners, candles, and crystal balls littering up the place like it's a dorm room.
HERMIONE: They call this education? Cheeeeesy.
TRELAWNEY: Good morning, children. Neville, your grandmother will soon have an annoying cough. Parvati, beware a red-haired, bare-legged man in a long overcoat who tries to sell you candy outside the castle gates. Lavender, oh dear, do look after your toenail. Now, everyone drink some tea, and divine your futures in the dregs.
HERMIONE: Mine appears to be my BS meter going off full-blast. Imagine that.
RON: (*peering into his
cup*) Is that a sheep?
HARRY snickers. Sheep jokes never get old.
HARRY: Okay, what's mine? I can't tell...
TRELAWNEY: (*looking over his shoulder*) Eeeeek! The Grim! The giant, spectral black dog who presages death! Oh, my dear boy, write your tombstone epitaph now. Draw up a will. Choose your next of kin. Oh, my heart. Class...(*gasp*)...dismissed.
HERMIONE: What-EVER. Freaking nutcase.
HARRY: Wait, did she say "giant black dog"? Uh. Hmm.
The kids troop into Transfiguration class.
MCGONAGALL: For heaven's sake, you all look dreadfully emo. Whose death did Sybil-Drunken-Trelawney predict now?
MCGONAGALL: Oh, that's nothing.
We've all been predicting that for years. Er--and protecting you from it, of
course I mean!
RON: Besides, Harry, it's not like you've seen a REAL Grim, right?
HARRY: Kind of. Yes.
RON: Oh, man. When you die, who's going to lend me gold? I'm depressed now.
The kids move along to Care of Magical Creatures class, where the students gingerly take out their growling Monster Books.
DRACO: How on Earth are we to open these horrid, uncivilized things?
HAGRID: Oh, it's easy.
They may seem all crabby and mean, but you stroke 'em real nice down the spine
and they open up wide for ye. Jus' like Gryffindor girls, right? Heh, heh, heh.
Whoops, you lot are only thirteen; forget I said that. Magical Creatures, here
HAGRID dashes off and comes back leading BUCKBEAK the hippogriff, which is like a cross between a grumpy emu and a giant, lethal dragon. The class backs off immediately.
HAGRID: Here's the thing about hippogriffs. They're easily offended, so you gotta look 'em in the eye real respectful-like, then bow down like you're gonna worship 'em. And if you do that right, they might let you climb onto 'em. Jus' like Slytherin gir--er, never mind. Harry, give it a go.
HARRY: With a Slytherin girl? Oh, the hippogriff. Sure.
HARRY does the reverential bow thing, and gets rewarded by a jolting yet rather cool ride through the air on the back of the hippogriff. After he lands, DRACO saunters over.
DRACO: Well, if Potter can do it, surely I can get the ugly old whore to let me have a ride--AAAAHHHH!
BUCKBEAK has slashed his arm with its talons, and DRACO reacts in a manner like unto a little wuss. HAGRID whisks him off to the hospital wing. Class dismissed.
HERMIONE: Oh, well, Hagrid got to teach for one day, at least. That was something.
CHAPTER SEVEN: POTIONS CLASS
SNAPE: Weasley, lick Malfoy's cauldron clean since his arm's wounded, or else eighty points from Gryffindor.
DRACO: Missed a spot, Weasley. By the way, Potter, don't you want REVENGE on Sirius Black?
HARRY: I want to know what you're talking about but am not going to stoop to ask.
HARRY, RON, and HERMIONE move along to LUPIN's Defense Against the Dark Arts class, where a closed wardrobe is thumping around by itself.
LUPIN: We're quite lucky. I happened to score a boggart.
HERMIONE: A shape-shifter that takes the form of whatever scares us most? Um. Lovely.
LUPIN: All you've got to do is turn it into something silly, then you laugh your cares away. For instance--Neville, open 'er up.
NEVILLE, trembling, does so, and the form of SNAPE emerges menacingly.
SNAPE turns into a drag performer from 'Priscilla, Queen of the Desert,' or something like that. Most of the class then gets a turn. LUPIN's greatest fear, take note, appears to be a silvery-white orb.
HARRY: (*dejected*) He didn't give me a turn. He must think I'm inadequate.
HERMIONE: (*dejected*) Me neither. I'd have shown them. I'd have taken that rejection letter from Oxford and--and--turned it into sparkly confetti covering a showgirl's boobs.
CHAPTER EIGHT: GRYFFINDOR TOWER
RON: Bloody hell,
Hermione, keep your murderous cat away from my innocent, balding rat!
HERMIONE: Sorry. So, coming to Hogsmeade, Harry?
HARRY: Can't. No permission slip. And everyone's all freaked that Sirius Black'll kill me if I leave the castle. (*massive adolescent sigh*)
RON: We'll bring you some treats. I'm sure it won't be THAT fun, anyway. You can...uh...go visit professors while we're gone.
HARRY does. He ends up having tea with LUPIN.
HARRY: How come you didn't
let me fight the boggart?
LUPIN: I figured it would take the shape of Voldemort, and that might cause a bit of panic in the classroom.
HARRY: Oh. No, it'd probably be a dementor.
LUPIN: Wise. Fearing fear itself. Et cetera.
SNAPE: (*entering with smoking goblet*) Your potion, you loathsome sod. (*leaves*)
HARRY: Professor Lupin, I wouldn't drink anything Snape made me. Just sayin'.
LUPIN: It's okay, it's a...thing...I need. For a...condition. Of sorts. (*drinks it down*) Yep. Okay, see you around, Harry!
Upon returning to
Gryffindor Tower that night, our brave Gryffindors find the Fat Lady's portrait
slashed with a knife! And the Fat Lady gone!
DUMBLEDORE: What happened here?
PEEVES: Oh, I LOVE it when I get to deliver bad news! You see, sir, the one who tried to slash his way in and scared her away was...dramatic pause...SIRIUS BLACK.
CHAPTER NINE: GREAT HALL
DUMBLEDORE: All students are sleeping in here tonight. I've given you magical purple sleeping bags.
ROMANTIC FIC WRITERS OF ALL STRIPES: Wheeee!
But instead of playing Spin the Wand, the kiddos are talking about SIRIUS BLACK, hypothesizing how he must have Apparated or flown into the castle or something.
HERMIONE: Honestly, am I the only one who's read 'Hogwarts, a History'?
RON: Probably. Why? [direct quote; too funny to change]
HERMIONE: It says you can't Apparate or otherwise sneak into the castle in any way whatsoever because it's all enchanted and things. No way at all. None. Nope.
SNAPE: Headmaster, don't you think there might be SOMEONE in the castle helping Black to get in? Someone, I don't know, FRIENDLY with him?
DUMBLEDORE: Shut it, Snape.
RON, HARRY, and HERMIONE: (*eavesdropping*) Curiouser and curiouser.
A few days later, OLIVER WOOD gets the Gryffindor Quidditch team together for a pep talk.
OLIVER: 'Kay dudes, we'll be playing Hufflepuff, and they've got this new Captain and Seeker, Cedric Diggory.
FEMALES ON THE TEAM, and indeed FEMALES EVERYWHERE, especially TWILIGHT FANS, giggle, squeal, flip their hair, and reapply their lip gloss.
OLIVER: None of that! Focus! Win!
Later, HARRY skids into Defense Against the Dark Arts to find SNAPE teaching it instead of LUPIN.
HARRY: Uh, where's Lupin?
SNAPE: Hmm, good question. Let's flip to the last chapter of your textbook, regarding werewolves. Who here can recognize a werewolf? Even if he looked like a normal person most of the time? Maybe a person you saw every day?
HERMIONE: Oh! Me! I know stuff!
SNAPE: Ten points from Gryffindor because you're an insufferable know-it-all. [again, too classic an insult to change]
RON: Hey, bud, you're out of line.
SNAPE: And Weasley gets bedpan-cleaning duty in the hospital wing! My, this is a good day for me. So. Werewolves. Read up on werewolves.
Later, it's time for the match against Hufflepuff. Miserable weather conditions: thunderstorm, pouring rain. Apparently the risk of getting struck by lightning is not a big enough concern to call off a game at this school.
HARRY: (*squinting through the downpour*) Is that a giant black dog watching me from the stands? Whoa. Why do I feel even colder than before?
He looks down and sees a hundred DEMENTORS on the field staring up at him. He hears screams, which he pinpoints as the memory of his mum begging for his life right before Voldemort killed her, and there's really no way to make that funny. So, in short, he faints and tumbles to the ground. He awakens in the hospital wing with his drenched friends staring down at him.
FRED: Wowzers. You're not dead.
HARRY: Yeah, but did we win the match?
GEORGE: Diggory caught the Snitch. So, uh, no. Oliver is trying to kill himself at the moment.
HERMIONE: Dumbledore's furious about the dementors. You'd think he would have stopped them before a hundred of them got out there, but whatever.
HARRY: Well...did anyone at least pick up my broom?
HERMIONE: It, um, got blown into the Whomping Willow. Here.
She scatters a bunch of splinters onto his bed.
CHAPTER TEN: LUPIN'S CLASS, TAUGHT BY LUPIN ONCE AGAIN
HARRY: (*loitering after class*) How come I'm the school's biggest wuss when it comes to the dementors?
LUPIN: Because they draw out a person's worst memory, and yours is pretty bad.
HARRY: Also, why isn't Hermione up in arms about a prison system that allows such creatures to roam around and has such horrid conditions for prisoners, with apparently not much regard for guilt or innocence, when she gets up in arms about much stupider things?
LUPIN: Alas, none can answer that.
HARRY: Can you at least
give me private lessons to help me ward off the dementors? Show me how to shoot
that silvery stuff out of my wand?
LUPIN: We're entering dangerous innuendo waters here, so I'm just going to say, "Sure."
One snowy morning, while most of the school is headed for Hogsmeade, FRED and GEORGE waylay HARRY in the corridor.
FRED: Come here, sweets. Got something for you.
GEORGE: (*handing him a bit of old parchment*) We swiped this from Filch's office. It's almost as awesome as the Invisibility Cloak--
FRED: --which makes US super-awesome for handing it over to you. Merry Christmas.
HARRY: (*looking at the blank page*) Okay, clearly you guys have been taking some interesting potions, which is nice and all, but--
GEORGE: No no, look! (*touching page with wand*) I solemnly swear I am up to no good.
The Marauder's Map leaps into being, showing the up-to-date whereabouts of everyone in the castle grounds, plus a few secret passages.
HARRY: Cool! How'd you figure out that pass-phrase thingy?
FRED: Eh, it's just the kind of thing we say all the time. Lucky break.
HARRY: Wicked! I should probably be more careful about sneaking out of the castle through hidden passageways when a madman's out to kill me, but for Hogsmeade, I'm in!
HARRY sets off alone through one of said passages, and ends up in the basement of the Hogsmeade Sugar Crash Company without incident. He tracks down RON and HERMIONE, whose backs are turned, and gives them friendly wedgies in greeting.
RON: Eeep! Whoa, Harry, how'd you get in?
HARRY explains about the
HERMIONE: Harry, you're going to get in trouuuubbble!
HARRY: Shut up. Let's get drinks.
In the Three Broomsticks, they conveniently find themselves at a table next to FUDGE, MCGONAGALL, FLITWICK, and HAGRID. The kids slide a Christmas tree over so no one will see them--and apparently no one thinks it's odd to have a Christmas tree blocking three-quarters of a table.
FUDGE: Wish we could catch Sirius Black. Shame he turned out so nuts. Was a good student. Friend of Harry Potter's dad and all.
MCGONAGALL: Yes. Obviously we wouldn't want to tell Harry that.
FUDGE: Indeed, or the part where he was the Potters' Secret-Keeper and therefore was clearly the one who betrayed them to You-Know-Who and got them killed.
HAGRID: Can't believe I comforted the murderin' traitor after it happened! At least I stole 'is flyin' motorbike; that's somethin'.
MCGONAGALL: Then poor, sweet, dorky little Peter Pettigrew, getting killed himself when he confronted Black...nothing left but a pudgy little finger...(*sniffle*)
FUDGE: Yeah. It'll be bad
if Black rejoins You-Know-Who. Talk about a powerful combination, those two
together...welp! I'm done with my drink. You guys too? Let's go!
HARRY: ...I thought people said Hogsmeade was fun.
CHAPTER ELEVEN: GRYFFINDOR TOWER
HARRY: (*grabbing his parents' old photo album*) Oh, look, I've had a photo of the bastard all along! The best man at their wedding. How SWEET.
HERMIONE: Harry, we sense
you're getting a bit murderous. Might we suggest that going after him isn't
HARRY: Smart this, smart that. Ever think about anything but smart, Hermione? Revenge, maybe? I kinda want to think about revenge.
RON: Sorry, mate, but I have to agree with her on this one. You're out of your tree.
HARRY: No, you know what? Let's go see Hagrid! I want to yell at him for never telling me about this. Get your coats, we're going, come on!
But when they get there, HAGRID is sobbing, which means, yep, some dangerous animal is in trouble.
HAGRID: The Committee for Beheadin' Precious Creatures is comin' after Buckbeak! He ain't got a chance!
HARRY: ...Fine. I won't yell at you today.
When Christmas rolls around (for which RON and HERMIONE have weirdly opted to stay at Hogwarts with HARRY rather than going home), HARRY finds he has gotten a mysterious package. It's...
HARRY: (*fanboygasm*) The Firebolt!!!! I am going to marry this broom and have its children!!!
RON: (*matching fanboygasm*)
HERMIONE: Guys, that might not be safe to ride. If--
CROOKSHANKS and SCABBERS interrupt by having another near-deadly spat. Note how the Sneakoscope whirs and spins.
RON: Get your evil cat out of here!
HERMIONE: Fine. But I'm sending McGonagall in to confiscate Harry's broom and have it magically examined, because I suspect Sirius Black sent it to you.
Indeed, MCGONAGALL bustles in, seizes the broom, and bustles out.
HARRY: Gaaaaaah! Girls. They don't get how sport is WORTH dying for.
CHAPTER TWELVE: PRIVATE LESSONS WITH LUPIN
LUPIN: All right, Harry,
I'll set loose this boggart, which will become a dementor for you. Think the
shiniest, happiest thoughts ever, aim that wand, and say "Expecto
FAUX DEMENTOR surges at HARRY.
HARRY: Uh...cozy new
socks! Expecto Patronum!
VOICE OF HARRY'S MUM, IN HIS HEAD: (*scream*)
LUPIN: Wake up. Bite of chocolate. Okay, try again.
HARRY: Riding brooms--Eating fresh buttered toast--ShovingDudley'sfaceintoacreampie--aaaahh, Expecto Patronum!
VOICE OF HARRY'S DAD, IN HIS HEAD: (*scream*)
LUPIN: Wake up. Eat your chocolate. Try again.
(Repeat over and over.)
LUPIN: Okay, good. Let's
stop. One of these years you'll produce a real Patronus; don't worry.
HARRY: Hey, random thought. Did you know Sirius Black?
LUPIN: What? Why? No--I mean, yeah--but--it's all good. Here, eat your chocolate.
MCGONAGALL: All right, Potter, here's your new broom back. Probably not cursed, but even if it is, just win the game for us before getting thrown off it, won't you? Snape and I have a wager on the outcome and I feel the need to rub his greasy nose in our victory. Ahem.
HARRY: Yaaaay! Ron, the Firebolt is back!
HARRY: Let's go tell Hermione she doesn't suck so much after all.
RON's on board until they pay a visit to their bedchamber. Then he storms down in a fury, waving his bed sheets at HERMIONE.
RON: Look!! Blood!! Blood
on my sheets, woman!!
HERMIONE: Er. Thank you for sharing, but...
RON: No! Scabbers is missing and there's blood and-- (*holding up the next piece of evidence*) Crookshanks-colored CAT HAIRS.
READERS: Oh, man. Cat People Vs. Other People is ON.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN: IT'S PEANUT-BUTTER-QUIDDITCH-TIIIIIME!
OLIVER: Okay, Harry, we're playing Ravenclaw, and they've got a pretty good Seeker named Cho Chang...
MALES EVERYWHERE make appreciative growly noises, apply deodorant, and cram breath mints into their mouths.
HARRY: Oh, her, over there? Why...yes. She's got really nice...form...mmm.
OLIVER: Uh, game's started, Harry. Go.
HARRY sails about, playing I-tail-you-then-you-tail-me with CHO. Then--eeeek! DEMENTORS appear on the field! HARRY gathers his happy thoughts swiftly...
Swooosh! Out surges a super-cool silvery Patronus. Meanwhile, HARRY catches the Snitch and lands safely.
HARRY: Professor Lupin, did you see, did you see? I wasn't affected at all!
LUPIN: Yeah, 'cause they, um, weren't dementors. Look.
It was DRACO and his buddies in dementor costumes, being douchebags.
MCGONAGALL: Major amounts of points from Slytherin. And Gryffindor won the game anyway, so hah.
RON: Yay! I love everything and everybody! Except you, Hermione. I still hate you.
HERMIONE sobs and runs off.
That night in the Gryffindor boys' dormitory...
RON: OhmyGod! Wake up! Sirius Black tried to kill me!
ALL GRYFFINDORS go tumbling into the common room. MCGONAGALL comes in.
MCGONAGALL: What the hell, kids?
RON: Sirius Freaking Black was standing over me with a freaking knife!
MCGONAGALL: Don't be ridiculous. He couldn't have gotten past the guy in the portrait. Right, guy in the portrait?
GUY IN THE PORTRAIT: No, it's fine, I let him in! He had the passwords on a nice little piece of paper and everything.
NEVILLE: Oh dear. I shouldn't have left those lying around, then? Ten points from me.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN: GRYFFINDOR TOWER
HARRY: Do you think we should tell someone about all the secret passageways, considering Sirius Black might be using them?
RON: Nah. I'm getting lots of popularity from my brush with murder.
HAGRID: Oi, Ron and Harry.
Be nicer to Hermione, would ya? She's been down at my hut cryin' every night.
RON: I don't care! Is no one thinking of my poor, martyred rat? Come on, Harry, sneak into Hogsmeade with me again.
They do. They end up leaning on the front gate of the Shrieking Shack, gazing up at it with typical 13-year-old morbid curiosity.
RON: Apparently it's so haunted even the ghosts don't go in it. Wonder if we'll ever learn why it was originally built and for whom.
HARRY: Oops. Here comes Malfoy and his dorkwads. I'm going under the Invisibility Cloak.
DRACO: ...So I've been having absolute wet DREAMS about that hippogriff getting beheaded soon, and--oh, Weasley, hello. Spending a little time at your family's vacation house, I see?
HARRY takes the opportunity to fling mud at DRACO's head while invisible. Not exactly brave, but admittedly rather funny. Unfortunately the cloak slips off his head.
DRACO: AAAAARGH! Floating Potter head of death!
All the kids, realizing they can either get in trouble or get someone else in trouble, hightail it back to Hogwarts.
SNAPE: Oh hi Potter, into my office NOW. So. How'd your head get into Hogsmeade, hmm? Got nothing to say on that? Yeah, you're just like your dad: an arrogant, strutting rooster.
HARRY: Take it back! Dumbledore told me my dad saved your life once, so you ought to shut up and be grateful!
SNAPE: Gosh, did he now? So "trying to kill me and then deciding not to" counts as "saving my life"? How grateful I am.
HARRY: Well. Uh. I may not know the ENTIRE story, true, but...
SNAPE: Empty your pockets. Thanks. Look at that, lots of Hogsmeade goodies. And what's this old parchment? Severus Snape demands you yield your magical secrets, o bit of old parchment!
MARAUDER'S MAP: They gave you a teaching job, Snivellus? Dude, standards have slipped around here. P.S. Go wash your hair. Love and kisses, Moony, Padfoot, Wormtail, and Prongs.
SNAPE: Lupin, get the effing eff in here.
SNAPE: Recognize this? Hmm? Where do you think Harry got it, huh?
LUPIN: Ahem. Well. From, uh...
RON: (*bursting in*) Zonko's! I bought it for him!
LUPIN: Yep, exactly. I'll confiscate it; thanks, Snape. Come on, boys.
HARRY: (after SNAPE's out of earshot) Thanks, Professor. I--
LUPIN: You should feel really, really bad. Bad dog. Your parents sacrificed themselves for you and THIS is the way you act? (*walks off*)
HARRY: (*hangs head*) Bad. I am a bad dog.
HERMIONE: Also, Hagrid lost his appeal and they're going to execute Buckbeak. So we can all feel really bad together now.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN: CENTRAL HEADQUARTERS OF FEELING BAD
RON: No! We won't let them kill Buckbeak. We'll rally the troops! We'll find a way! I'll help you, Hermione!
HERMIONE: Oh, Ron! (*flings herself on him, sobbing*)
RON: Crap, a girl's hugging me. What do I do?
HERMIONE: (*lets go*) I'm sorry about Scabbers.
RON: That's okay. Thanks for not hugging me anymore.
DRACO wanders in with his goonies.
DRACO: Lord, the way that hairy idiot Hagrid was crying over a stupid animal--I couldn't stop laughing!
And we hate to condone violence, but what HERMIONE does next is the most awesome thing she has ever done up to this point, and it really is deeply awesome: she steps up and slaps DRACO, hard, across the face.
KINKY DRACO/HERMIONE SHIPPERS: Ohhh, yeah, that's how he likes it, baby. Spank her for that, Draco, spank her good.
In reality, however, HERMIONE points her wand at DRACO next.
HERMIONE: Yeah? You want more?
And DRACO nervously scuttles away.
RON: (Keanu-Reeves-like) WHOA. You can hug me again if you want, now.
HERMIONE: Hell! I forgot to go to one of my fourteen classes! I'll go, uh, fix it. With the...thing.
And she's off. Later, the threesome is back together for Divination.
TRELAWNEY: Oh my doomed and trembling children, it is time for--woooOOOOooo--crystal balls! Harry, oh me oh my, the GRIM is stalking you--
HERMIONE: What, again? Screw this crap. I could be doing something useful, like kneeing Malfoy in the groin.
TRELAWNEY: My dear, I am sorry to say you have not proven yourself a seer of the hazy future realms and, indeed, have a really foul attitude.
HERMIONE: Super. I'm out of here.
And HERMIONE does what she's probably never done in her life and may never do again: drops a class on the spot and walks out of the classroom.
But soon it's time for more important things: yes, Quidditch again! No, come back, it'll be fast! Because I can't stand sports for more than a paragraph either! So here's the upshot:
SLYTHERIN TEAM: (*lots of dirty tricks*)
GRYFFINDOR TEAM: (*outrage*)
SLYTHERIN TEAM: (*sneakier dirty tricks*)
GRYFFINDOR TEAM: (*wins anyway, because of HARRY catching the Snitch*)
Yaaaaaayyy! GRYFFINDOR TEAM and FANS are all sobbing in ecstasy and embracing in the mud and holding up the Quidditch Cup as if it were Excalibur. Thus we end the chapter on a high note, just this once.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN: DREAMY DAYS OF JUNE ON THE HOGWARTS GROUNDS
The kids are studying for their exams, and, really, NEWT stands for Nastily Exhausting Wizarding Tests? Come on, that's just silly. HERMIONE manages to parody herself during her Defense Against the Dark Arts exam, when her biggest-boggart-fear literally takes the form of MCGONAGALL telling her she failed everything. Also:
FUDGE: Hi, everyone. Lovely day. Well, must go see a hippogriff get its head cut off.
READERS: The Minister of Magic drops by personally for a case like this? No wonder the magical world is in such chaos.
Meanwhile, HARRY attends his one-on-one crystal ball exam with TRELAWNEY.
TRELAWNEY: See anything, my dear?
HARRY: A, uh...creature...thing. Mm-hm.
TRELAWNEY: Oh, well. Nice try.
Suddenly she goes rigid and starts using a poltergeisty voice.
TRELAWNEY: IT WILL HAPPEN TONIGHT. THE SERVANT WILL REJOIN HIS MASTER, THE DARK LORD. THE SEAS WILL RUN WITH BLOOD AND THE FIRES SHALL RAIN DOWN...from... (*normal voice again*) Sorry, Harry dear, did I fall asleep? Too much whisky in the tea. I mean, er, so warm in here today.
HARRY: Holy crap I'm out of here.
But in spite of that rather startling warning, HARRY, HERMIONE, and RON sneak out of the castle under the Invisibility Cloak that evening to comfort HAGRID when BUCKBEAK's execution is scheduled. HAGRID is a total, shaky mess.
HAGRID: Nice of you lot to come down, risk gettin' killed by a madman and all...good ter see ya...
HERMIONE: Here, I'll open a milk jug. Hey! It's Scabbers! Alive and everything!
RON: Wow, that was lucky! Come here, little guy. Aww, stop clawing my arms; I love you too.
HAGRID: Here comes the beheadin' committee--get out, you lot, hurry!
The kids, with SCABBERS, scurry out and soon hear a thump of the executioner's axe, which renders them horrified and grieved. Mind you, they don't technically SEE anything...
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN: OUTDOORS IN THE GROWING DARKNESS
RON: Poor Buckbeak, man. I--ow, Scabbers! What the hell? He bit me and ran off! I'm going to chase him, off into the dark trees over here.
CROOKSHANKS: Meow! Hiss! (*also chases him*)
HERMIONE: Oh, hell. Now we have to chase them too.
Then the GIANT BLACK DOG leaps into the scene! This is the dog who chased the kids who chased the cat who chased the rat who ran to the tree that hid the tunnel that led to the house that Jack built. But I digress. GIANT DOG knocks down HARRY and HERMIONE, then grabs RON and drags him into a secret hole under the Whomping Willow, breaking his leg along the way.
HERMIONE: Bummer. It was nice knowing Ron.
HARRY: We have to get him! How do we do that without the Willow smacking us across the grounds?
CROOKSHANKS shows them how, going way beyond ordinary stupid cat tricks: he puts a paw on a certain knot, which stops the branches.
HERMIONE: Good kitty! Wait...are you buddies with the big dog? Bad kitty! Oh, pets are such a nuisance, I swear.
They crawl through the tunnel and emerge into a dank, creepy, abandoned house. As people always do but shouldn't do in scary movies in such circumstances, they go up the stairs and look for trouble. Which they find.
RON: Dudes, the dog is Sirius Black!
SIRIUS: Hi, kids! Oh goody, time for the murder!
PEOPLE WHO'VE READ THE BOOK BEFORE: You might want to be a little more specific, Sirius.
HARRY: Yes, it IS murder time--I'm killing YOU! Really! Any second now! Dang it, Crookshanks, get off him and quit begging him to scratch your tummy.
LUPIN: (*bursting into the room*) Sirius--is it...did you...
LUPIN: Good enough for me!
He leaps forward and wraps SIRIUS up in a big ol' hug. HARRY, RON, and HERMIONE are aghast.
HARRY: You! You guys! You're--you're--
LUPIN: (*letting go of SIRIUS*) No no, he hasn't been sneaking into my bedchamber!
SIRIUS: Not since we were at school together, anyway.
LUPIN: Right. It's been years.
HARRY: ...I was going to say "friends," but okay.
HERMIONE: (*to LUPIN*) I can't believe I've been covering up for you! Harry, he's a werewolf!!
RON: There. (*pointing at LUPIN*) There wolf. (*pointing toward Hogwarts*) There castle.
HARRY: Why are you talking that way?
RON: I thought you wanted to.
LUPIN: Okay, so I'm a werewolf. But really, I HAVEN'T been helping Sirius into the castle, and we're NOT trying to kill you.
HARRY: WHY SHOULD I BELIEVE YOU?? WHY SHOULDN'T I GO ON AND ON IN CAPS LOCK OF RAGE??
LUPIN: Yeah yeah yeah. Look, the Marauder's Map showed something pretty interesting just now, so Ron, hand over your rat.
RON: Huh? What's sweet, ugly little Scabbers got to do with it?
SIRIUS: Because he's not sweet and he's not your rat--though he's *a* rat, in a sense, given that he's PETER PETTIGREW.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN: SHACK OF SHRIEKING CONFUSION
HERMIONE: But the Ministry knows EVERY Animagus! It's IMPOSSIBLE!
READERS: Seriously, Hermione, every time you say something's impossible, it turns out not to be.
LUPIN: The smart thing to do would be to prove it to you instantly by transforming Scabbers now. But instead let's pause to explain stuff.
SIRIUS: Oh, come on, let me kill the rat first.
LUPIN: No, no. Listen, kids, once upon a time I became a werewolf and they built this shack for me to hang out in while I was being wolfy and dangerous. They planted the Whomping Willow at the secret entrance to keep people out. I am the source of lots of cool features in the vicinity, when you stop to think of it, but regardless: my three best friends at school, Sirius, James, and Peter, all learned to become animals too, just to keep me company. How cool was that?
SIRIUS: Remus, we're all falling asleep here. Wrap it up.
LUPIN: Okay, so, he's Padfoot, I'm Moony, your dad was Prongs, and Peter was Wormtail. Hmm, you know, you'd think we'd notice some significance in his choosing to be a RAT, huh?
RAT PEOPLE: Deeply offended! We continue to be deeply offended!
LUPIN: So anyway, as an animal, Sirius could wander in and out of Hogwarts as he pleased. Maybe I should've mentioned it to someone. I've felt kinda conflicted about that. Snape might've been right about my being untrustworthy.
SIRIUS: Grr. Snape. Slimy idiot. Would've been so funny if he'd actually gone into the shack that time like I told him to, and found you as a werewolf...(*wistful sigh*)
LUPIN: Dude, not cool. Harry, that was the time James rescued Snape so he wouldn't get killed. By me, in full-moon-madness.
SNAPE: (*popping in from the shadows*) And I've hated you all ever since. Hi!
CHAPTER NINETEEN: SHRIEKING LOVE SHACK, BAY-BEEEE
SNAPE: Aw yeah. Werewolf and freakazoid here are gonna get thrown into Azkaban, and the three snotty kids will get expelled. This is going to be my favorite day ever.
THE THREE SNOTTY KIDS: Expelliarmus!
Which, apparently, when done by three people at once, knocks the target cold. SNAPE hits the floor, unconscious.
HERMIONE: (*freaking out*) Oh, oh, oh, crisis of conscience...
SIRIUS: Yeah, okay, let's talk about the rat again.
RON: (*cuddling SCABBERS*) How could he be your friend-betrayer-guy? And how did you find out where he was when you were in Azkaban?
SIRIUS: Saw his picture in the paper, on your shoulder, in the Weasley gossip column. Azkaban's not all bad--they let us read the official propaganda sometimes.
RON: But to have him become a pet, all those years ago, in the exact wizarding family who had the kid who'd become Harry Potter's best friend, that's--
READERS: Too convenient a coincidence to impress me. But hey.
SIRIUS: Anyway, see? It's him. His toe's missing. He--
LUPIN: Cut it off himself before killing all those people and transforming! After HE betrayed Harry's parents, not you! I see now! You were innocent all along. Oh, I always knew it, baby.
SIRIUS: Yeah? That's why you never, ever wrote to me?
LUPIN: We'll talk about that later. Ron, hand over the rat.
RON does, reluctantly. LUPIN and SIRIUS zap him with their wands, and boom! He grows into PETER PETTIGREW! Who presumably is wearing clothes even older and shabbier than LUPIN's, since they don't SAY he's naked, though we always wonder about that when people shape-shift.
PETTIGREW: Uhhh, hi guys. OMG Sirius don't kill me.
SIRIUS: Well, I'd like to, but if I don't, I bet Voldemort's people will, huh? That's who you've been hiding from. I mean, you send them to the Potters', and Voldemort gets smacked down there? Doesn't look good for you.
PETTIGREW: Me, and Voldemort? No no! I'm the nicest, most innocent...uh...Ron? Help?
HERMIONE: Hey, total sidenote. Sirius, how'd you get out of Azkaban?
SIRIUS: Oh, yeah. I turned into a dog and walked out. Dementors don't notice animals. Funny security gap, huh? Anyway--Remus, let's kill him.
LUPIN: (*rolls up sleeves*) Okey doke.
HARRY: Stop! My parents wouldn't want you guys to be killers.
LUPIN and SIRIUS: Oh, Harry. You are so sweet and you make us see our humanity again. Thank you.
HARRY: Let's send him to Azkaban instead and let the dementors suck life out of him slowly over the next several years.
LUPIN and SIRIUS: Yaaay! Let's go!
CHAPTER TWENTY: PARADING BACK TO HOGWARTS
SIRIUS: Hey, Harry, want to come live with me now that I'm sure to be pardoned and officially released?
HARRY: I've trusted you for about ten minutes...but that's longer than I've trusted the Dursleys in my whole life, so yeah! Totally! Woohoo!
But then they step out into the light of the FULL MOON. Oopsie. LUPIN sprouts into a werewolf. SIRIUS transforms into the big black dog to protect the KIDS. RON gets stunned by a stray wand shot. PETTIGREW turns back into his rat-fink self and escapes. WEREWOLF LUPIN goes tearing off into the forest. DEMENTORS add to the joy by surrounding SIRIUS, HARRY, and HERMIONE.
HARRY: Oh hell, it's all down to me. Expecto patronum, expecto patronum, expe..cto...pat...uh-oh...
But wait! Here comes a beautiful PATRONUS chasing off the DEMENTORS, and someone familiar-looking across the lake, welcoming it back...but HARRY blacks out around then. Huh, quick chapter!
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE: HOSPITAL WING
MADAM POMFREY: It's okay,
Harry. The dementors are about to destroy Sirius Black's soul. You're safe now.
Eat some chocolate.
HARRY: NO! WAIT! STOP! He's innocent!
FUDGE: Hello, what's this?
HERMIONE: It's true, Minister! We can tell you everything.
SNAPE: See, Minister? Black's performed a very good spell upon them. You'll want to fix that, and THEN expel them.
DUMBLEDORE: Everyone out. I need to talk to Harry and Hermione alone.
Everyone else leaves, grumbling.
DUMBLEDORE: Yes yes, I know you two are right, but no one will believe it and we have no evidence, and let's face it, Sirius has been acting like a crazy dude. So, to save some innocent lives tonight: Hermione, I think you know what to do. Three turns.
HERMIONE: All due respect, why don't you fix it yourself, Professor?
DUMBLEDORE: I wouldn't want to get in trouble. Go!
HARRY: Okay, what the hell?
HERMIONE: Yeeaaah, they gave me this-- (*pulling out a necklace with an hourglass on it*)--which lets you turn back time. Just so I could take extra classes and stress myself into a sleepless wreck.
HARRY: A necklace charm, that's how you do time travel? We don't even get to drive a DeLorean? I feel cheated.
HERMIONE: Come on!
She wraps HARRY in the chain with her and they go back in time three hours.
HARRY: Oh, hey! I see what Dumbledore wants us to do, though I have no idea why he didn't just tell us straight out. He wants us to save Buckbeak and use him to fly up to the tower and rescue Sirius. Two innocent lives saved!
So they sneak down to HAGRID's cabin, deftly avoid themselves and others, and lead BUCKBEAK off into the woods. When HAGRID and the execution committee comes out, that thunk of the axe they hear is the EXECUTIONER whacking a stump in frustration--'cause, darn it, he really WANTED to behead a hippogriff today. He loves his job.
Now they have a couple of hours to kill until it's time to rescue SIRIUS, so they hang out by the lake. I'm sure HARRY/HERMIONE SHIPPERS have some ideas for passing the time.
HERMIONE: So who made that Patronus who saved us? Did you see?
HARRY: Yeah...you're going to say I'm mental...
HERMIONE: No, I won't.
HARRY: I think it was my dad.
HERMIONE: All right, you're mental.
HARRY: Here's our chance
to find out. Here comes us--uh, the other us. Should we say anything to
HERMIONE: What, like "Strange things are afoot at the Circle K"? Nah. Better hide and watch.
HARRY darts around to the opposite bank and watches from the bushes.
HARRY: Come on, Dad, step on it! The dementors are here! What are you waiting--oh. You know who looks my dad? ME. Expecto Patronum!
The beautiful PATRONUS in the shape of a stag--PRONGS, one might call it--drives away the DEMENTORS. Meanwhile, SNAPE regains consciousness and drags SIRIUS and their OTHER SELVES back to the castle via magical stretchers.
HERMIONE: Ooooh, Harry, that was SUCH advanced magic.
HARRY: Thanks, but it's time to stop fondling my arm and get on Buckbeak with me.
They get on the hippogriff and fly up to the castle tower where SIRIUS is being held.
HARRY: Yo, out here!
SIRIUS: Whew! I am so glad no one ever puts a personal guard on prisoners at these times.
SIRIUS climbs on the hippogriff, then HARRY and HERMIONE hop off on the tower.
SIRIUS: Thanks again! We'll do lunch! Bye!
And SIRIUS BLACK escapes from The Law once more.
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO: HOSPITAL WING
HARRY and HERMIONE dive back into their beds and patiently await the commotion, which quickly arrives.
DUMBLEDORE, SNAPE, and FUDGE wander in.
DUMBLEDORE: Gosh, guys, I don't what to tell you. Black's good at escaping.
SNAPE: HE--YOU--THEY--grrr. Admit it, Potter, you sprang him.
MADAM POMFREY: Nonsense. They've been locked in my ward this whole time! I should know.
FUDGE: Jeez, man, do you always blame 13-year-olds when stuff doesn't go your way?
SNAPE: GAAAARRRRRGH!! (*storms out in a major Goth/emo snit*)
FUDGE: Oh well. Shame we didn't catch Black. I'd better go fabricate a press release that makes us sound like we didn't totally botch this job. Cheers!
And everyone (except SNAPE) is in a good mood until the next day, when HARRY finds LUPIN packing his bags.
HARRY: What gives?
LUPIN: Snape ACCIDENTALLY told the whole castle I'm a werewolf. So I'm resigning. Parents are bound to complain, and if there's anything I don't want to face it's an angry, endless Parent-Teacher Association meeting.
HARRY: But...but...this makes me sad.
LUPIN: That's sweet. Here, have your Marauder's Map and Invisibility Cloak back. Since I'm not your teacher anymore, I can give you forbidden stuff. Hey, you want to get drunk sometime together?
HARRY: That'd be nice. Thanks.
LUPIN: Cool. I'll text you. So long.
LUPIN leaves, and HARRY sits down, all moody. DUMBLEDORE strolls in.
DUMBLEDORE: Hey, Harry. Thanks for doing the work of the good guys so I don't have to.
HARRY: No problem. Oh, Professor, I think Trelawney made a real prediction yesterday. Said the servant was returning to the Dark Lord. Guess that meant Pettigrew, not Sirius.
DUMBLEDORE: Really? So that's twice she was right so far. Amazing.
READERS: You'd think Harry would ask about the first time.
HARRY: But Pettigrew got away and he might be helping Voldemort regain power right this minute!
DUMBLEDORE: Eh, it'll be fine. Have a good summer!
RON, HARRY, and HERMIONE board the Hogwarts Express for home.
HARRY: Look, an owl post for me!
SIRIUS: (*via letter*) Hi, Harry! I'm safe and hiding out, and I won't say where exactly, but rest assured the pina coladas here are AWESOME. Btw, yeah, I sent you that Firebolt, and am also enclosing a Hogsmeade permission slip for you, as well as the secret book of dirty jokes and songs that your dad and I made up back in the day. Do NOT show Ron's mum. One of them's about her. We'll chat soon. Cheers! - Your fabulous-as-a-god-father. P.S. Let Ron keep this dinky owl to replace his evil, traitorous rat.
HARRY and RON: He is made of the awesomesauce!!
They arrive in London, and HARRY saunters over to the DURSLEYS.
HARRY: Hi, Uncle Vernon! Check it out, I've got a godfather who's a convicted murderer, but he broke out of prison and is inviting me to come stay with him sometime. He's a fun guy. He'll be checking on me a lot, making sure you guys are nice to me...
READERS: It's at moments like this that we truly like Harry.
Back at Hogwarts, ROWLING is walking the grounds, moodily holding the time-turner.
ROWLING: This thing is way too powerful. If it sticks around, there'll be no good reason to keep the characters from using it to fix tragedies, and I REALLY want to use that tragedy I have planned for the end of book 4. And that other one for the end of book 5. And for book 6. And book 7. Yeah, note to self: destroy all time-turners somewhere in the near future. For now...
She furtively throws the time-turner into the lake, where it gets seized by the GIANT SQUID.
ROWLING: Whoops! Someone
dropped it in the lake. What a shame. Time for tea!
ROWLING strolls off in a much better mood.
Many thanks to the fellow fans who kept me working at this and gave me good ideas, in particular Naill Renfro for pointing out the "Where wolf? There wolf" parallel from Young Frankenstein, and rachel2205 for asking the pertinent question of why the hugely powerful time-turner is mainly used for academic timetabling.